Another Neighborhood Flag Dispute Devolves Into A Catfight

This post by our new contributor Honey Bee will surely confuse and enrage you. Don’t worry, you’ll get better. — Editrix

Following the news about Justice Samuel Alito’s wife Martha-Ann and her flag collection, we received news of another flag dispute with a neighbor tied to a government official’s home. This time it’s a cat who was elected co-mayor of the city of Westfinster, located in a state.

I sat down at an undisclosed location with the cat’s neighbor who brought along a tablet with collection of images chronicling their long-running “conflict.”

Wonkette: Before discussing your flag situation, tell me how a cat became co-mayor of Westfinster. 

Neighbor: He campaigned against the incumbent, Mayor Blabwell —

A human.

Yes. The cat, Heathcliff, was upset Mayor Blabwell planned to close the cat shelters for homeless — excuse me — feral cats.

Not all unhoused cats are feral. Anyway, I believe we should just give poor cats money.

Heathcliff believes this too. That’s why he always flies a flag of Grandpa Nutmeg, one of his guardians, on Grandpa’s payday.

In this economy? I get it! But back to the election.

Heathcliff and Blabwell tied in votes, making them co-mayors.  Funnily enough, I voted for Heathcliff.

Westfinster allows cats to run for office and doesn’t have tiebreakers for single seat elections?

Correct.

How has Mayor Heathcliff’s tenure been?

It’s just Heathcliff. He resigned before being sworn in after Mayor Blabwell agreed to build a massive cat shelter. And because being mayor was too much work.

Classic housecat.

When did your beef with Heathcliff begin?

Every day I’d greet Heathcliff, sometimes offering him fish. I went on vacation for a month and when I got back, I greeted him empty handed. The next day, while I was in my garden, Heathcliff raised a flag of  his frowning face. It was clearly a threat.

It looks like that old lady —

Grandma Nutmeg, one of his guardians.

It looks like Grandma Nutmeg is suggesting he has used his flag before. He probably just wanted a treat or a skritch from his family. He’s not threatening anyone, especially you.

He routinely beats up neighborhood dogs and flips garbage cans.

Are you a dog? Has he flipped your can?

I’m not a dog nor has he flipped my can … yet.

[The neighbor opens a bag and produces a large plastic container. Inside are several pieces of apple pie. They offer me a piece. I accept and the neighbor places the pie on plate and hands me a fork. They also have a slice.]

I love baking pies. I was letting pies cool on my window sill —

A thing that only people in cartoons do.

[The neighbor shoots me a dirty look before continuing.] 

And Heathcliff decides to insult my pies with a flag that says, “CAKE.”

So what? He likes cake!

He used to love my pies. He loves pie eating contests, he and his girlfriend have matching helmets that say “pie.” He even has a pie car. 

Liking cake and pie isn’t mutually exclusive. You could bake him a fish-shaped cake.

I don’t like cake.

You should get a flag that says that.

[The neighbor leans closer, lowering their voice. It’s almost as if they were about to reveal something serious during this thoroughly unserious interview. They show me a picture on the tablet.]

Then there’s his “Gas” flag. He’s likely running an illegal gas station for animal cars out of his garage.

Are there legal animal car gas stations?

Everyone uses the same gas stations.

[After swallowing some pie, I deliver some grave news.]

This flag could be him threatening to burn your house down or maybe it’s about drugs.

Really?

No. He seems pretty direct. He definitely would use an arson or drugs flag if that’s what he meant.

Well, he does partake in gang activity.

Oh?

[I wondered if this would finally be the big reveal. It was not.]

He marches down the street summoning his “Bros” with a flag. And the city condones it by making Bro Day a holiday with even more bro flags.

The only ones bothered by Heathcliff promoting friendship are birds. And they are natural, legal adversaries. By he way, do you have any friends?

[The neighbor pretends not to hear my genuine question.]

He even flies a flag celebrating Jimmy.

Jimmy Carter?

No, a frog named Jimmy who is his friend but doesn’t do anything but follow Heathcliff around.

That’s so nice of Heathcliff to be such a supportive friend.

[Correctly sensing I saw nothing nefarious, the neighbor searches the tablet for better evidence.]

Other people in the community have expressed concern over his flags. His girlfriend Sonja’s caretakers are displeased.

Is Sonja a cat?

What a ridiculous question, of course she’s a cat.

Given everything you’ve told me so far, it’s an entirely fair question.

[The neighbor pulls up an image of Heathcliff marching up to his girlfriends house with a giant flag that says “Hey.”]

This is concerning. The best this man could do for this queen was large flag that said “Hey”? That could’ve just been a text.  

This was after he drove around town on Valentine’s Day with Sonja, flying a “love” flag on a tank that also said “love.” 

Aww. Although, I don’t like that potential militarization of cupid. So, Heathcliff uses his gas for his tank?

It’s electric. Like one of those Power Wheels cars. Sometimes he repaints it to celebrate meat. He also has meat flags.

Of course he does.

Not only is he speeding around town in various vehicles. He also hosts street races.

In tanks?

No, uh, footraces for turtles and snails and slugs. 

I think that’s great that they feel safe enough to share the streets with vehicles. And, oh look, Heathcliff even has a checkered flag to make it official! Do you happen to know if he makes or buys his flags?

I’ve never seen a DIY flag, so who knows.

[Having commandeered  the tablet, I swipe through the remaining flag pictures. I spot two flag images the neighbor had not yet mentioned. One showed a flag in Heathcliff’s yard that simply said “Meh” and the other was Heathcliff marching down the street with a large flag that said “Nap.”]

Well, you weren’t lying. There are a lot of flags! But they’re not hurting anyone. In fact this “Meh” flag seems like a distress flag. It’s like he’s having a hard time with something.

I’m also having a hard time.

Filling all the excess time on your hands with other things aside from caring about a cat’s flag collection?

I am a very busy person. I’m just tired of being the only person in the community who cares about these flags!

Maybe Heathcliff and his nap flag were telling you to chill out. Or maybe he was saying you’re exhausting to live next door to. One last question.

Yes?

Have you considered just minding your business?

Honestly, I had not but that’s a good suggestion. Thank you!

You’re welcome.