Now that the media storm surrounding the Coldplay KissCam Scandal has passed, it is a good time to look at what happened from the perspective of lessons for leaders and organizations. To do that, it’s important to acknowledge that, in spite of all the memes and jokes that this incident provoked, this is a tragic event for at least two families, and to a lesser extent, one company. It’s also necessary to confront a second uncomfortable reality: it could happen to just about any leader, and any company.
That’s right. It’s tempting to believe that this was just a matter of two executives who simply lacked spousal fidelity and self-control and therefore, will get what they deserve. But that attitude is dangerous because it leaves people susceptible to making the same mistake, one that has been happening within companies for years, and sadly, will continue to happen without proper caution and wisdom.
For what it’s worth, I’ve witnessed a number of leaders make this mistake during my career as a consultant to CEOs. And though I will gratefully acknowledge that I have been faithful to my wife of 33 years, I will admit that I understand how well-intentioned leaders can, little by little, put themselves in a position to risk the destruction of their families, and their businesses. And it starts when they believe one particular lie.
That lie centers around the importance and “specialness” of being a leader. I know it sounds like a cliché, but the reality is that people laugh harder at a CEO’s jokes, speak to him (or her) with greater respect and admiration, and lavish him with more praise than he deserves. Cliché or not, it’s a reality that can corrupt the humblest of leaders who don’t get the same treatment from their spouses or children, and actually come to resent them.
Consider that CEOs leave work after nine or ten hours of difficult, even dramatic conversations and decision-making, having experienced mutual recognition and admiration from their colleagues. When they arrive home, they are confronted by a spouse who isn’t trying to impress them, and kids who don’t usually run into their arms and thank them for the sacrifices they make for the family. More often, the spouse greets them with a perfunctory kiss (or none) and a request for help with plumbing, errands or chores. The kids need a ride to practice or help with algebra or acne. It’s a grind – albeit a blessed one when seen in the proper context – and it often leaves the leader feeling like being at work is more fun and rewarding than being at home. And so it begins.
More time at work. More fun with colleagues. More attraction to female colleagues who dress up for them, laugh at their jokes, and actually tell them, regularly, how wonderful they are. Of course, it’s largely fiction, or perhaps exaggeration. But it feels good, and it stands in starker and starker contrast to life at home. If there is no understanding of the artificial nature of these good feelings, and if there is not a strong moral and religious barrier preventing consideration of moving into intimacy, boundaries are crossed and Coldplay concerts happen. And families are devastated. And companies are damaged.
What’s the solution? Should male and female colleagues avoid spending time together alone? I don’t know if that’s necessary, but if it’s the only way to prevent this, it’s better than what was revealed at that concert. Do companies need stronger policies prohibiting inappropriate fraternizing among leaders? That seems pretty legalistic to me. Better than these, I would recommend the following.
First, CEOs need to declare, for themselves and all the people they lead, that their marriages and families are more important than their businesses. They should say it out loud, frequently, and ask everyone to confront one another if they believe they might be losing sight of that.
Second, they need to remind themselves that the admiration that they get from work is not necessarily love, but flattery, and that the applause they receive at work is no substitute for the love that can only be found at home. That’s not to say that love among colleagues and team members isn’t important or real, just that it should never replace the intimacy that is reserved for families.
Some might argue that these solutions might hurt the company by discouraging people from prioritizing work. I get that. But in the end, it needs to be recognized that leaders who are faithful at home are more grounded, trustworthy and effective in the workplace. Strong families and strong organizations go together.
