On the second day of my first sales job, the lead trainer told me and the other new hires we’d be doing role plays before practicing our pitches in front of the group. I froze. Fortunately, my manager noticed my discomfort and pulled me aside to ask what was wrong. After explaining that I grew up extremely shy, with a severe stutter, and that speaking in front of groups was my biggest fear, he told the trainer that he was stealing me for the day. He gave me some scripts and a pile of old leads, and set me up in the corner of the sales pit to find my footing on my own terms.
I’ll never forget that moment. It kickstarted my career in sales to the tune that a year later I was promoted to the management team. When we think of leadership qualities, putting people at ease rarely shows up on people’s lists. But collaboration, innovation, and building meaningful relationships where people feel comfortable to be their authentic selves all hinges on our ability to do so. Today, as a leadership lecturer, communication strategist, and career coach, following my first manager’s lead and doing what I can to put people at ease is my first priority.
Here are three ways you can implement this valuable quality for yourself.
Get People to Reveal Themselves by First Revealing Yourself to Them
Building connections with people is an art; as with all art, everyone will have a different interpretation. For me, its essence lies in creating the space for people to reveal themselves, and this becomes much easier if we first reveal parts of ourselves.
For example, in the first class of any course I teach, I tell my students I grew up stuttering, and upon graduating from college I went into sales to gain some confidence. I let them know that speaking in front of large groups isn’t my comfort zone. To ensure I’m not blowing smoke, I show them my shaky, sweat-drenched hands before sharing a few instances where I botched a presentation or blew an interview.
This may seem like an odd way to start a leadership course. But by showing my humanity along with the challenges I’ve faced, they begin to do the same, which allows us to quickly get to the heart of what’s holding them back.
We’re often told not to show weakness. To be the alpha. To fake it till we make it. But if I’ve learned anything about putting people at ease, it’s that the only currency that matters is honesty, and vulnerability is an act of extreme generosity.
Define the Type of Energy You Want to Bring to Each Encounter
When I began coaching, one of my first clients was the epitome of calmness on calls, which was a sharp contrast to me having the word ‘rushed’ stamped all over my face. Curious, I asked her how, out of all the people I speak with, she comes off as the most centered. “I made a change a few months back,” she told me after gathering her thoughts. “I was sick of being anxious or stressed going into meetings, so I decided to take a few minutes before each interaction to breathe and identify the energy I wanted to transmit.”
The second I heard my client’s wisdom, I stole it. As a coach and teacher whose job depends on creating the conditions for people to open up, getting out of this “non-stop” mindset as quickly as possible has become my primary marching order.
Take a mental note of how you want to approach people and the vibe you want to give off during each interaction. You can even take my client’s advice one step further by writing down the one word that best describes how you want to show up on a sticky note and place it next to your computer while in virtual meetings.
The older I get, the more I’ve begun to internalize that energy is everything. The vibe we give off to others is a choice.
Remember Environment Affects Behavior
When working with Kevin Ervin Kelley on his book Irreplaceable: How to Create Extraordinary Places that Bring People Together, he told me that when he began his career he was tasked with redesigning a Harley Davidson dealership to help drive more foot traffic and sales. Like a lot of ‘customer service’ areas, the sales rep’s desk chairs were ‘strategically positioned’ a few inches higher than their ‘prey,’ who were offered cheap plastic chairs forcing them to look up at these ‘Sales Gods.’ But the detail Kevin shared that really caught my attention was how the sales reps had their staplers pointed out toward the clients instead of directed toward themselves like any normal human would do. This may seem like a small thing, but who wants an object with sharp teeth pointed at their face?
It may not always be possible to overhaul our physical environment, but taking the time to think about the aspects you can control serves as a reminder to think about and design for the comfort of others. If you had to give a performance review or give someone bad news, which environment would create a more comfortable atmosphere for a potentially uncomfortable conversation? Sitting behind your office desk in a high-back chair while the person sits in front of you in a lower-positioned chair? Or sitting next to them in the same style of chairs at a round table so you’re on equal ground? Though a small shift, the difference between “Take a seat,” which is typically said in the office desk scenario, compared to “Join me,” provides psychological safety for people. The same goes for brainstorming outside or taking a walk compared to sitting in a stuffy room. Ideas tend to grow legs when we’re physically moving.
Consider the circumstances that led you to have great conversations in the past. Environment affects our behavior much more than we often realize. The better we create spaces where people feel like they are on even footing, the more their guard lowers, while the chance of making a connection rises.
Pulling It All Together
The faster people drop their masks and share their challenges, the faster problems can get solved. Show them who you are and make it easy for them to be themselves, and you have a winning scenario.
Written by Michael Thompson.
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