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There is something so very, very exciting about seeing the words politician, dancer, gun, Republican, and 3 A.M. in immediate proximity to each other. All the elements of a hilarious scandal — presuming the dancer is okay — right there in one convenient location. Our antenna goes up and our nose starts twitching like a coked-out rabbit. It is especially welcome in the midst of this dreary presidential election season, a flare gun firing off in the darkness. We call it the full Molly Ivins.
And with that, let us give a warm Wonkette welcome to one Kornelius “Neil” Friske (yes really), a 62-year-old hard-right Republican member of the Michigan state House of Representatives. Friske was arrested overnight Thursday in Lansing after police responded to a report of a man waving a gun and possibly shooting it. The details are still sketchy, but the cops apparently found reason to arrest Friske on the spot. He has not been formally charged yet, but the Lansing police “requested felony charges of sexual assault, assault, and a weapons-related offense against Friske.”
MIRS, a local news service that covers Michigan politics, claims that Friske was chasing an “adult dancer” who worked at the nearby Déjà Vu, uh, “gentlemen’s club.” There isn’t much going on inside a place called the Déjà Vu gentlemen’s club that would qualify as “gentlemanly.” Or so we’ve heard.
What elevates this story to art is the defensive, sneering press release that Friske’s campaign put out on Friday. It had everything. First, there was hiding behind the Constitution:
As many of us know, Rep. Friske is always exercising his 2nd Amendment right.
We’re not familiar with gun laws in Michigan, but does the Second Amendment allow a man to wave a gun around on a public street at three in the morning? Clarence Thomas would certainly say yes, but we bet state and local laws make it more of a gray area.
Next came the de rigueur paranoia and claims that the offending politician has been set up by mysterious enemies:
It is highly suspect considering the timing of this situation:
-Right before absentee ballots are released.
-Day after an unknown phone number conducted polling on the 107 race between Rep. Friske and our opponent with deep-state ties.
Sure, sure, the Deep State is very upset at the first-term legislator for … let’s check his legislative record … opposing a bill that would outlaw deepfake porn. Friske obviously prefers to generate his own real-life porn, thank you very much.
Are we supposed to think this was a setup? That the dancer lured Friske out of his nearby condo on orders from his opponent’s campaign operatives? That Friske is being punished by his enemies for being one of two members of the House to vote against the bill? (It passed by a count of 108-2.)
Apparently we are.
The press release then reminded everyone that Friske is a man of God:
We ask everyone for prayers.
Heavenly Father, please don’t let Friske’s wife bean him with a cast-iron skillet when she hears about this.
The request for prayers was followed by a military metaphor to let us know Friske is a tough man of action who won’t quit:
Thank you for the outpouring of concern and unwavering support we have received this morning. Clearly, Rep. Friske is over the target in this race.
The dude is a 62-year-old grandfather who owns a property management company, we’re fairly sure no one is going to mistake him for the Memphis Belle.
Friske faces a primary in early August. His opponent is also a right-wing loon who posts stuff like this on Facebook:
Yeah, but can he chase down a stripper at three in the morning on a street in the state capital while waving a gun at her? No? Checkmate.
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