What’s sadder than sad? You know, aside from having the same name as one of the most beloved figures in American political history, because he was your father, and yet being one of the most laughed-at, beclowned men in the country, and one of its easiest marks?
What’s sadder than sad is throwing your own 70th birthday party on January 22 in Indian Wells, California — or having your super PAC do it for you, we guess for deniability purposes — and announcing the attendance of famous guests you absolutely know have not agreed to show up to your party.
What’s sadder than that? You are running for president, and your birthday party is also supposed to be a fundraiser for your presidential run, even though literally everybody hates you and makes fun of you behind your back and also to your face.
What’s even sadder than that? When Dionne Warwick is the first person to be like “LMAO, but no baby, I’m gonna Walk On By from that one. I’ll Say A Little Prayer For You, just kidding no I won’t. That’s What Friends Are For, but you ain’t got any!” (Not exact quote, but the exact quote was completely hilarious and shady.)
Then Martin Sheen noped out of the thing he wasn’t going to in the first place. (Martin Sheen! What kind of decomposing raccoons must your brain be full of if you send out invitations to your party and you’re like AND MARTIN SHEEN WILL BE THERE! That is not a thing! People who say things like that need to go to hospital!)
Specifically, Sheen had his former “West Wing” co-stars Bradley Whitford and Janel Moloney post on Twitter for him:
There’s a story going around saying that Martin Sheen is supporting @RobertKennedyJr for president. The story is incorrect. Martin asked us to post this on his behalf. “I wholeheartedly support President Joe Biden and the democratic ticket in 2024. Sincerely, Martin Sheen”
Not only is he not coming to your birthday party, he is not personally replying to your rude non-invitation to your birthday party that assumes you wish to be caught dead in the same room with that uncanny valley looking freak.
Andrea Bocelli said fuck off, through his representatives, probably in some kind of operatic recitativo. Mike Tyson’s people said wait, we thought this was just a birthday party, not a fundraiser. Then they confirmed that regardless, he wasn’t coming. “Mr. Tyson was invited to RFK’s bday celebration, which he cannot attend, not a fundraiser,” said his people.
Fighting 4 One America, one of the PACs involved in putting on the event, tried to act cool and say Martin Sheen had actually confirmed he was coming, but it doesn’t matter anymore, because according to Page Six, Robert F. Kennedy Jr. does not want to go to Robert F. Kennedy Jr.’s birthday party anyway, fuck this entire school!
Here are some sad words:
On Friday a rep for the Kennedy campaign told us that the PAC was responsible for the bash and that the campaign had “no knowledge of who is attending and can’t confirm or deny anyone’s participation, either as entertainment or as a guest.”
Who’s coming? People. Maybe not people. Guests. Not guests. Impossible to say!
Meanwhile, on Monday the campaign told us: “Mr. Kennedy will not be attending the PAC event in Indian Wells on Jan 22.”
Other big plans? Or not other big plans?
When we asked on Monday if the event will be canceled, the PAC didn’t comment.
Oh suck an entire basket of vaccinated wangers.
This is what happens to people who aren’t wanted, on their 70th birthdays. Let this be a lesson.
In related news, Wonkette turned 20 years old last week. (Twenty!) As is customary, we will be celebrating this elegant birthday on January 22 with Dionne Warwick, Martin Sheen, Andrea Bocelli, and Mike Tyson in attendance, unless one of those fuckers refuses to accept our very kind invitation, which we guess is fine because we’re not a needy loser like RFK Jr. and also we’re not actually having a party.
[Page Six]
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