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You might remember Rep. Tim Burchett from his minor role in “Thoughts and Prayers: Nashville Christian School Shooting Edition,” when he shrugged and said it was horrible, but that “we’re not gonna fix it” because there’s just nothing you can do when someone wants to kill people.
The distinguished gentleman from Tennessee spent a half hour yammering on conspiratorially with rightwing podcaster Benny Johnson about Jeffrey Epstein and how probably everyone in Congress (except Burchett) was part of Epstein’s cabal, and murdered him to keep him from spilling the beans. And while he was at it, he explained why otherwise good conservative members of Congress vote for “crazy stuff like what we’ve been seeing out of Congress,” which he never really specified, but we assume means things like keeping the government funded, not defaulting on the debt, or even occasionally voting with Democrats to do anything, ever.
But as Joe.My.God. reveals, the sometimes-crazy votes of good conservatives can be explained quite easily, according to Burchett: Literally every one of them is being blackmailed over a sex scandal! Here’s the video, cued up to that part. (We were going to say “cued up to the crazy part,” but that would be the entire 30 minutes.)
Burchett: “Why in the world would good conservatives vote for crazy stuff like what we’ve been seeing out of Congress? Here’s how it works. You’re visiting, you’re out of the country or out of town or you’re in a motel or at a bar in DC and, whatever you’re into — women, men, whatever — comes up and they’re very attractive and they’re laughing at your jokes. And you’re buying them a drink. Next thing you know, you’re in the motel room with them nekkid.”
Don’t ask Rep. Burchett how he knows this. Maybe he overheard it at one of those naked Republican sex orgies former Rep. Madison Cawthorne said were always going on. (Burchett only went to read the articles.)
“And next thing you know, you know you’re about to make a key vote. And what happens? Some well-dressed person comes out and whispers in your ear, ‘Hey, man, there’s tapes out on you.’ Or, ‘Were you in a motel room or whatever with whoever?’ And then you’re like, ‘Uh-oh!’ and he says, ‘You really ought not be voting for this thing.’
“You know? And what do they do? It’s human nature. And, you know, no man or no woman actually is an island. And they know what to get at. You know, if it’s women, drugs, booze, it’ll find you in DC, and in most elected offices. And that’s what people of power and influence do.”
Credit where due: “no man or no woman actually is an island” is exactly the kind of brilliantly subtle reference to Jeffrey Epstein’s sex trafficking island (vacation home of every Democrat and celebrity satanic ritual sex child murderer, according to QAnon) that wingers would find very impressive.
What really strikes us is what a simplistic, Hollywood version of corruption Burchett spins here: Forget corporate money in campaigns, dark money networks, astroturfed “activist” groups, gerrymandering, or all the perfectly legal ways political power gets concentrated. No, the real problem is that except for the pure of heart, like Burchett and other far-Right fundies (and even some of them!), everyone is compromised. They’re either on the take, or they’re being blackmailed because they can’t control what they do with their sinful appetites and moist sweaty dangly bits. Their rampant bestial swimsuit-area urges make them easy prey for the shadowy wealthy cabal who hate America but are really running things, don’t you know?
“And it’s just, you know, I’ve been in this game my whole life. I spent 16 years in the state legislature in Tennessee and eight years as county mayor. And now I’m in my fifth year in Congress. But it’s just — the stakes are higher. But the game is still the same.”
Burchett stopped short of saying the Jews secretly run everything, but once you’re talking about shadowy cabals who really pull the strings, it’s kind of a given.
And that’s how we end up with monstrous crazy things like gay penguin lust in the schools and infrastructure, and it’s just all so sad. In conclusion, Tim Burchett has seen some shit, man, and you shouldn’t trust anyone in government. Except him, of course.
[ Joe.My.God.]
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