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SHUB-NIGGURATH, THE BLACK GOAT OF THE WOODS WITH A THOUSAND YOUNG, IS PLEASED TO ANNOUNCE HER CANDIDACY FOR SPEAKER OF THE HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES.
LAUGH NOT, MORTAL! DO YOU HAVE A BETTER AND LESS-FATAL-TO-YOU IDEA?
I THOUGHT NOT.
ESTEEMED MEMBERS OF THE REPUBLICAN HOUSE CAUCUS, I UNDERSTAND I’M A FRESHMAN, AND THAT I ONLY OCCUPY THIS SEAT BECAUSE I CAST ITS DULY ELECTED REPRESENTATIVE INTO THE GAPING MAW OF MY OFFSPRING ITHAQUA THE WIND-WALKER TO SPEND AN ETERNITY DROWNING IN HIS BLACK ICHOR. SO YOU FEEL YOU DO NOT KNOW ME WELL ENOUGH TO ELECT ME TO SUCH AN IMPORTANT POSITION. AND ALSO YOU ARE COWERING IN TERROR.
YOU ARE RIGHT TO COWER! FOR I AM SHUB-NIGGURATH, THE BLACK GOAT OF THE WOODS WITH A THOUSAND YOUNG, AND I HAVE ENOUGH TENTACLES TO SQUEEZE THE LIFE OF ALL 220 OF YOU OUT OF YOUR CORPOREAL BODIES AT THE SAME TIME.
SORRY, I MEANT 219, SINCE ITHAQUA ATE WHATSHISNAME.
PERHAPS YOU WOULD LIKE TO HEAR MY QUALIFICATIONS. I AM ONE OF THE MOST WIDELY WORSHIPPED OUTER GODS, DAUGHTER OF THE DARKNESS, WHO WAS IN TURN SPAWNED BY AZATHOTH THE NUCLEAR CHAOS. I HAVE LIVED FOR A THOUSAND YEARS IN THE CITY OF HARAG-KOLOTH, BENEATH THE ARABIAN SANDS. I OPPOSE SOCIALISM, ABORTION, THE GREEN NEW DEAL, GUN CONTROL, AND ALL LIGHT IN THE KNOWN AND UNKNOWN UNIVERSE.
AND LIKE SO MANY OF YOU, I AM ALSO A MOTHER. I KNOW WHAT IT IS LIKE TO WORK FULL-TIME WHILE TRYING TO RAISE A FAMILY. BESIDES ITHAQUA, I HAVE BIRTHED THE TWIN OBSCENITIES ZHAR AND LLOIGOR THE STAR-TREADER, IMPRISONED FOR MILLENNIA IN THE LIGHTLESS CAVERNS BENEATH THE LAKE OF DREAD AFTER THEIR DEFEAT BY THE ELDER GODS.
MY OTHER TWINS NUG AND YEB HAVE AN IMPORTANT JOB CLEANSING THE EARTH IN PREPARATION FOR THE RETURN OF THE GREAT ONES. I AM VERY PROUD OF THEM. ZHAR AND LLOIGOR ARE A BIT MORE PROBLEMATIC, BUT AT LEAST I ALWAYS KNOW WHERE THEY ARE.
AND LET’S FACE IT, YOU REPUBLICANS COULD USE SOME HELP ATTRACTING THE FEMALE DEMOGRAPHIC. YOUR NUMBERS WITH SUBURBAN MOMS ARE NOT GOOD.
THE YOWLING DEMON KNOWN AS JIM JORDAN HAS HAD MULTIPLE BITES AT THIS APPLE, AND BEEN REJECTED. A LOT. HIS FOLLOWERS CAN SEND ALL THE DEATH THREATS TO YOUR FAMILY MEMBERS THEY WANT. NONE CAN BACK UP THE TERRORS THAT CAN BE VISITED UNTO THEM AS CAN I, SHUB-NIGGURATH, THE BLACK GOAT OF THE WOODS WITH A THOUSAND YOUNG.
IT IS TIME TO ELECT A SPEAKER WHO CAN UNIFY YOUR CAUCUS. WHO CAN STEAMROLL ANY DEMOCRAT OPPOSITION. A SPEAKER WHO CONSTANTLY SPITS FORTH WRITHING CREATURES FROM HER MANY MOUTHS AND THEN RE-ABSORBS THEM INTO HER OWN BODY IN AN UNHOLY MOCKERY OF THE BEAUTY THAT IS THE MIRACLE OF THE CREATION OF LIFE.
NOW IMAGINE ME MARCHING INTO THE HOUSE CHAMBER AND STARING DOWN THE DEMOCRATS WITH MY MANY SLIME-DRIPPING MOUTHS AND MY CONSTANT SPITTING INTO CREATION BEINGS SO FOUL THAT NO HUMAN CAN GAZE UPON THEM WITHOUT BURNING THEIR EYES TO CINDERS. WOULD THE DEMOCRATS NOT COWER IN FEAR, AS YOU HAVE DONE? WOULD THEY NOT VOID THEIR BOWELS AS THEY DESCEND INTO GIBBERING MADNESS, AS YOU HAVE DONE?
ALMOST ALL OF YOU. MATT GAETZ SEEMS THE ONLY ONE OF YOU WITH THE INTESTINAL FORTITUDE TO FACE SHUB-NIGGURATH, KEEPER OF THE DARK YOUNG, WITHOUT FEAR OR SOILING HIMSELF. FOR THAT, HE SHALL BE REWARDED.
NO, MR. GAETZ, MAJORITY LEADER IS TOO TRIFLING A PRIZE FOR ONE OF YOUR WORTHINESS. I WILL INSTEAD GRANT YOU THE HONOR OF SWALLOWING YOU INTO MY WOMB AND THEN REBIRTHING YOU AS A GLORIOUS SATYR WITH ETERNAL LIFE. YOU WILL FOREVER BE KNOWN AS ONE OF THE GOF’NN HUPADGH SHUB-NIGGURATH, MY MOST FAVORED WORSHIPPERS.
OF COURSE IT SOUNDS GOOD! CONDESCEND NOT TO SHUB-NIGGURATH, WORM.
OUR LEGISLATIVE AGENDA AS REPUBLICANS WILL NOT CHANGE WITH SHUB-NIGGURATH AS SPEAKER. THE IMPEACHMENT OF THE OLD ONE JOE BIDEN WILL PROCEED, WITH THE BONUS THAT INSTEAD OF BEING FORCED FROM OFFICE, HE WILL BE PUNISHED WITH ETERNAL IMPRISONMENT IN THE SNAKE-INFESTED BOWELS OF THE PLANET YADDITH.
WHAT? SENATE TRIAL? THERE WILL BE NO SENATE TRIAL, OFFAL! HE WILL HAVE BEEN TRIED BY SHUB-NIGGURATH, THE BLACK GOAT OF THE WOODS WITH A THOUSAND YOUNG, AND HE WILL BE PUNISHED ACCORDINGLY.
THE SPENDING LEVELS AGREED TO BY THE MAGGOT KEVIN MCCARTHY IN LAST SPRING’S BUDGET DEAL REMAIN UNACCEPTABLE. WE WILL PUSH THROUGH APPROPRIATIONS BILLS THAT CUT GOVERNMENT SPENDING, AND WE WILL TACKLE THE CRISIS THAT IS OUR NATIONAL DEBT. OUR FISCAL HOUSE MUST BE IN ORDER BEFORE THE AGE OF DARKNESS COMMENCES.
THERE WILL BE NO ABORTIONS ANYWHERE, ALL HUMAN WOMEN WILL BIRTH SQUALLING, WRITHING, RAZOR-TOOTHED INCUBI FROM THEIR CURSED WOMBS, AND THOSE INCUBI WILL BE GIVEN TO SHUB-NIGGURATH, THE BLACK GOAT OF THE WOODS WITH A THOUSAND YOUNG, AND I SHALL MAKE OF THEM MY DISCIPLES. THEIR MOTHERS’ LAMENTATIONS WILL MATTER NOT. THOUGH LETS FACE IT, WITH THIS CROWD THEY ALREADY DON’T.
HUNTER BIDEN WILL BE SUBPOENAED, TRIED, AND RENT LIMB FROM LIMB FROM LIMB IN THE WELL OF THE HOUSE CHAMBER.
I CAN SEE A FEW OF YOU HAVE GONE FERAL WITH FEAR AND YOUR MINDS HAVE BECOME INSENSATE VOIDS THAT NO COHERENT THOUGHT CAN CROSS. WHICH IS FINE, IT LOWERS THE MAJORITY THRESHOLD I NEED TO WIN ON THE FLOOR.
I ASSUME BY YOUR MOANS THAT I HAVE THE NOMINATION. MCHENRY, YOU MISERABLE INSECT! CALL THE HOUSE INTO SESSION! TURN ON THE CSPAN CAMERAS! AND TELL THE REPORTERS THERE WILL BE A PRESS CONFERENCE AFTERWARDS. JAKE SHERMAN, OBVIOUSLY, WILL GET THE FIRST QUESTION.
[POLITICO]
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