Everybody’s making fun of the thing last night where Ron DeSantis and Elon Musk dialed in to a 56K modem at the same time, and somehow, when there wasn’t a “buffering” message on the screen, DeSantis announced his intention to lose the GOP primary to Donald Trump, and we guess to continue losing dick-measuring contests with Mickey Mouse. DeSantis wanted to look cool, so he thought it would be a good idea to do a glorified Zoom call with one of the most awkward, unfunny, and unfuckable men on the planet. Flawless victories ensued.
We don’t know exactly what happened firsthand, because we didn’t watch. But all the reviews are hilarious.
After he was done doing landline 69s with Elon Musk, DeSantis went and did a real interview on the real TV, and it was also a disaster, but only for DeSantis’s own personal pathetic reasons.
Charlie Sykes got this screengrab of Fox News hyping its big DeSantis DeFuckFest:
So that’s funny! Just like Donald Trump’s parody of DeSantis’s Twitter Space with Hitler and the Devil was funny! We genuinely are looking forward to watching Republicans eat each other’s faces to death during the coming months.
DeSantis’s Fox interview was with Trey Gowdy. Was … literally anyone else … not willing to take one for the team and interview old Meatball Ron? The dead-eyed, charisma-free country bumpkin lawyer keeping Tucker’s old seat warm this week was the only option?
Okeydoke.
In the interview, Governor Meat DeBalls said that when he’s president (LOL) he won’t need to lose peener swordfights to Mickey Mouse anymore, because reasons.
“Well, if there was somehow a federally conferred private government given to a corporation like you had with Disney, then that could potentially be something that you would do. But I don’t think that that exists anywhere else in the country,” DeSantis said.
“So I think this was a unique setup involving the State of Florida and this one company and it started many, many decades ago, but clearly, it’s not something that was viable going forward. So I just don’t think you would have the same set of facts.”
Yeah uh huh. Let’s all pretend DeSantis actually cares about Disney’s special legal arrangements with the state of Florida, as opposed to this just happening because DeSantis is an unlikable lunatic social outcast who thought declaring war on the Happiest Place On Earth in retaliation for getting in the way of his plan to hurt LGBTQ+ kids would be good for his presidential ambitions.
Fuck you.
Gowdy very slowly asked Robbie Meatballs how he would handle the war in Ukraine as president. DeSantis has been having a hard time deciding how much of Putin’s taint to suck, so this time DeSantis started babbling instead about “military has become politicized” and “gender ideology.” He actually said, “People don’t want to join a woke military,” like that’s a serious thing adults say. He said when he’s the new “sheriff in town,” recruiting will get better.
Maybe he will give them all little white boots like he has and everybody will join because, hey, free little white boots!
And what about climate change? How does DeSantis feel about climate change, Gowdy asked? Well, it’s not an enemy like Mickey Mouse, that’s for certain.
DeSantis whined that it is a myth that there are more hurricanes, which is true, and not the point, because the problem is that the same number of storms are much stronger now, because of climate change. Typical Republican, expecting you to be an illiterate cow who can’t figure out how he’s lying to you. “I’ve always rejected the politicization of the weather,” said DeSantis, blah blah blah blah, what a boring fucking man.
Here’s the full interview, for all the DeSantis and Gowdy stans out there to fap yourself to sleep to:
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Just got to BlueSky!
I have profiles those other places but I think I forgot how to log on.
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