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We regret to inform you that Joe Biden will probably have to resign this afternoon, the party is over, and his reign of crime spree terror will come to a screeching halt. You see, the chair of the House Oversight Committee, the Deliverance extra named GOP Rep. James Comer of Kentucky, has uncovered some evidence, and he and Republican Senator Chuck Grassley have Biden dead to rights.
In a letter to the DOJ and the FBI, Comer and Grassley allege that the FBI is sitting on a document that proves Joe Biden took bribes from, a foreign national from, in exchange for changing the policy of. No, there is nothing wrong with that sentence.
The letter says Joe Biden took bribes from, a foreign national from, in exchange for changing the policy of. What? They have a whistleblower and everything. His name is. And he says Joe Biden took bribes from, a foreign national from, in exchange for changing the policy of.
You want specific accusations? OK thanks but no thanks. Specific accusations and proper nouns are the refuge of the woke, and Jamie Comer will not be having any of that. And Chuck Grassley, well, he’s just happy somebody asked him to sign a letter with them.
All you need to know is that Joe Biden did somethin’ and if James Comer says he’s guilty well then he must resign. Them’s the rules, BANJO STRUM, BANJO STRUM, “HEE HAW” THEME SONG, THE END.
(Not the end.)
THE EVIDENCE!!!!!11!!
Let’s look at Comer’s and Grassley’s stupidass press release.
The document, an FBI-generated FD-1023 form, allegedly details an arrangement involving an exchange of money for policy decisions. Comer issued a subpoena today following legally protected disclosures to Grassley’s office.
Oh shit they’ve got the FBI-generated FD-1023, or they say the FBI has it, or they think the FBI has it.
“We believe the FBI possesses an unclassified internal document that includes very serious and detailed allegations implicating the current President of the United States.”
Are they clairvoyant? How many fingers are we holding up right now, Jamie Comer?
“What we don’t know is what, if anything, the FBI has done to verify these claims or investigate further. The FBI’s recent history of botching politically charged investigations demands close congressional oversight,” Grassley said.
“The information provided by a whistleblower raises concerns that then-Vice President Biden allegedly engaged in a bribery scheme with a foreign national. The American people need to know if President Biden sold out the United States of America to make money for himself. Senator Grassley and I will seek the truth to ensure accountability for the American people,” Comer said.
Well if Jamie Comer says he has a credible whistleblower, how could we cast aspersions on that asparagus? It’s not like the FBI is still uncovering trashassMAGA idiots who’ve been in its employ, who then go on to work for Russian oligarchs or Project Veritas and get arrested for participating in the January 6 terrorist attack.
The letter is so much stupider than the press release. We imagine the wanking motions from AG Merrick Garland and FBI Director Christopher Wray could be heard all the way across the Potomac when they got it, which had to have been weird for the citizens of northern Virginia. Here’s most of it:
We have received legally protected and highly credible unclassified whistleblower disclosures. Based on those disclosures, it has come to our attention that the Department of Justice (DOJ) and the Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI) possess an unclassified FD-1023 form that describes an alleged criminal scheme involving then-Vice President Biden and a foreign national relating to the exchange of money for policy decisions. It has been alleged that the document includes a precise description of how the alleged criminal scheme was employed as well as its purpose.
Based on the alleged specificity within the document, it would appear that the DOJ and the FBI have enough information to determine the truth and accuracy of the information contained within it. However, it remains unclear what steps, if any, were taken to investigate the matter. The significant public interest in assessing the FBI’s response to this information, as well as growing concern about the DOJ and the FBI’s track record of allowing political bias to infect their decision-making process, necessitate exacting congressional oversight.
The form! The form! They know about the form and the scheme and the foreign national and the money and the policy decisions when Joe was vice president! (You know how vice presidents are always making policy decisions.)
THEY KNOW EVERYTHING.
Now if the FBI could just please fill out this Mad Lib that James Comer wrote for them, he’d appreciate it. And if we could keep this Joe Biden whistleblower investigation about Hunter Biden, Comer’d appreciate that too. He thinks it’s pretty important.
Hey, have we ever mentioned here on Wonkette that we are pretty sure James Comer is one of the stupidest bumpkin hicks ever to have served in Congress, perhaps the literal reincarnation of Louie Gohmert, even though Gohmert is still alive?
THE MEDIA TOUR11111!!!!1!!
Here is Marjorie Taylor Greene talking about the form Comer and Grassley believe the FBI has. Dadgummit, we wish they hadn’t told Sarge Marge about the form.
She says the form links to Joe Biden, not Hunter Biden. Also she talks about it like “Form FD-1023” is a proper noun, and not just a common type of FBI form. She is a lazy, stupid woman who doesn’t bother to do the most basic homework required to be a member of Congress.
When the letter was released yesterday, all the clownfucking princes of the Republican goat rodeo started making the media rounds to say … nothing. Grassley said “we gotta wait!” The FBI needs to tell us if it’s accurate! The thing we gotta wait to talk about!
Here’s Sedition Master Josh Hawley telling the untalented goon guest-hosting in Tucker’s old spot that he doesn’t know anything about the allegations, but said Democrats need to stop “screaming about how Joe Biden is innocent” and instead “show us” that he is innocent. Of what? OF THE ALLEGATIONS!
And here are Ted Cruz and Sean Hannity saying that if these allegations are true, then impeach! And then Ted mentioned his podcast.
Now listen to the human dead weight in Hannity’s audience cheering when he says that IF these allegations (THE ALLEGATIONS!) prove true, then it will be time for impeach. (IMPEACH!)
There were so many more last night. They all got the message, it was like they got a text that said free Viagra if they get on Fox News or Newsmax right now and talk about THE ALLEGATIONS. Ron Johnson, one of the stupidest Republican senators, couldn’t even bring himself to say his colleagues would admit it if (when) it turns out this is all bullshit.
This clip from Newsmax is hilarious. Greg Kelly asks a Republican congressman what policy Biden might have altered for money. Have they “narrowed it down,” or “what area.” LMAO just watch:
Is all of this the stupidest thing we’ve ever seen? Reckon it’s up there!
And we have a feeling this is what we are going to be non-consensually required to talk about all the way up to the 2024 election. It just feels that way.
HERE’S WHY1!!1!1!!!
Ahem, here’s why:
Republicans are still so seething pissed that a whistleblower came forward in 2019 and showed Adam Schiff and the rest of the world that Donald Trump was literally actually extorting one of our allies, Ukraine, to help him steal the 2020 election. Trump was already on some level desperately aware he couldn’t win based on his charm or intelligence or competence and certainly not his looks.
They are desperate to believe if THEY can just get their own whistleblower who says things, then they can pay us back for what we did to their god and savior.
Remember how those morbidly stupid Republican operatives Jacob Wohl and Jack Burkman orchestrated schemes to get random people to accuse prominent Democrats of sexual assault, in retaliation for all the actual credible accusers who came forward to say Brett Kavanaugh tried to rape them? Republicans refused to believe that the accusations were real, and instead swallowed their own shit about how this was just political dirty tricks. Oh you got accusers? We also too have accusers!
You got whistleblower? WE ALSO TOO HAVE WHISTLEBLOWER!
No they don’t. If they even have a human — we’ll see! — it’s some deplorable unfuckable MAGA operative who may or may not have at some point worked in the government, who’s willing to lie to help Republicans take down Joe Biden.
And if they ever start saying proper names, we will bet a paycheck (ours or someone else’s) that it’ll be Ukraine, because there’s nothing new under the sun, and they tried to infect the discourse about Trump’s actual Ukraine crimes during his first impeachment with absolute bullshit claims about Joe Biden and Hunter Biden and Burisma.
Hell, one of the most significant Republican lies of the 2020 campaign about Joe Biden is that he had advocated for the firing of a Ukrainian prosecutor for investigating corruption in the company Burisma, upon whose board Hunter Biden sat. The truth was the literal actual opposite — the prosecutor was not investigating corruption — and Biden was carrying out the official policy of the Obama administration and the entire western world.
Also remember that a lot of Republicans’ “whistleblowers” tend to be blowing special Russian whistles that only play tunes composed by Vladimir Putin’s butt. (We mean they’re spies.)
Note right now that indicted, twice-impeached perpetual loser Donald Trump is the likely Republican nominee in 2024. And we all know he can’t win fairly. See this in that context.
Oh we can see where this is going to go, and it’s gonna get real Russian, real fuckin’ fast.
Gonna be weird watching Republicans do that against the backdrop of Russia waging a genocidal war against Ukraine, but nobody ever falsely accused Republicans of being on the side of America or our allies.
When Adam Schiff and the rest of the country caught wind of the mere existence of the Ukraine whistleblower, all of official Washington lost its shit, either trying to get to the truth and preserve the evidence, or trying to cover up Trump’s crimes, depending on what side they were on. It was palpable. A process had been quickly set in motion, one that it became clear very quickly was headed directly toward Trump’s first impeachment.
What’s palpable right now? Nothing but the smell of James Comer’s farts and lingering suspicions about what Chuck Grassley does with the Iowa State Fair Butter Cow when nobody’s looking.
What? We didn’t make any specific accusations or even insinuations about what Grassley may or may not do with that butter cow.
Likewise, Grassley and Comer aren’t saying a fucking thing about Joe Biden.
Call us when a real news story breaks.
[Comer letter / press release]
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