What’s going on with Ron DeSantis and his ugly, misbegotten state?
Well, this week he’s been trying to show us how serious he is about running for president, by demonstrating for Donald Trump, Tucker Carlson, and Vladimir Putin that he can be just as much of a Russian stooge as them.
And his administration is working on the home front, having a pissy little poopypants fascist temper tantrum at the Hyatt in Miami for having a drag show. It was called “A Drag Queen Christmas,” and it is affiliated with RuPaul’s outfit. It is of course the policy of the DeSantis administration to shake its tailfeathers and have an entire cow any time there’s a risk of a child finding out they don’t have to be repressed, insecure white Christian fascists when they grow up.
Insider reports that the Florida Department of Southern Baptist Karens Business and Professional Regulation filed a complaint against the Hyatt’s concert venue, which let minors in to the fun Christmas show as long as they were accompanied by adults. “A Drag Queen Christmas” is of course not a sexual strip show, and not a groomers exhibition. This means that if you feel sexed or groomed by it, then according to science you are a probably a full-grown conservative Republican Christian man who probably secretly wants to bone drag queens.
The state’s business department accused the Miami venue of several violations, including a prohibition of “lascivious exhibition” before people younger than 16, though it’s not clear to what extent this law is generally enforced.
Lascivious exhibition, oh myyyyyyyyy!
The department said performers were “wearing sexually suggestive clothing and prosthetic female genitalia,” as well as simulating masturbation.
We are going to go out on a limb here and suggest that the prudes and cultural shut-ins who work in the DeSantis administration might not be A+ students at identifying “prosthetic female genitalia” or “simulating masturbation.”
Except wait, they are literally talking about the fake boobies drag queens sometimes wear. We know how excitable the conservatives are when it comes to boobies.
The complaint, which is posted at Insider, is an absolute hoot. It just goes on and on and on about every naughty thing that offended these allegedly full-grown mature adults on the liquor licensing board.
It says the show featured “performers forcibly penetrating or rubbing their exposed prosthetic female breasts against the faces or oral cavities of audience members.” Hate it when drag queens forcibly penetrate your oral cavities with their fake boobies.
It says they “intentionally” showed their fake boobies and fake other genitals and real buttockses to the audience. Also? “Graphic depictions of childbirth and/or abortion.” Sure thing, definitely part of drag shows.
It says there were videos of “exposed female breasts with less than a fully opaque covering.”
It says the drag queens even desecrated sacred children’s Christmas songs. During “All I Want For Christmas Is My Two Front Teeth,” a drag queen suggested Santa put his milk and cookies “all between my gap!” And during “Screwdolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer,” they said the reindeer were called “Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixen, Vomit and Stupid and Dildo and Dicks-in!”
And Screwdolph had NIPPLES.
Did you want the Church Lady regulating your entertainment choices? Well you got it, Florida.
They’re citing a whole passel of laws that prohibit things like “lewd and lascivious exhibition” to minors under 16, claiming the drag queens were exposing their genitals. Again, they are interpreting fake boobies and butts as “genitalia.” And because they’re humorless, joyless fucking dorks, they’re interpreting the silliness of drag as pornography.
We’d also note that for a bunch of lying bastards who are always swearing up and down that their attacks on LGBTQ+ people are merely to protect “parental rights,” they’re sure stepping on the authority of any cool parents who decided their kids are mature enough to laugh at the funny Christmas drag show.
Insider reports the decision isn’t final, and that the Hyatt has 21 days to request a hearing. Here is the poopypants pissy-ass statement from DeSantis’s office:
“Sexually explicit content is not appropriate to display to children and doing so violates Florida law,” Bryan Griffin, DeSantis’ press secretary, told Insider. “Governor DeSantis stands up for the innocence of children in the classroom and throughout Florida.
Again, for all normal people reading this, these homeschool dropouts are talking about a drag queen Christmas show.
Equality Florida had the right questions:
“How far will [DeSantis] take this anti-LGBTQ crusade in his desperate attempt to outrace his inevitable presidential primary opponents? Will he raid movie theaters because parents take their teenagers to see R-rated movies? Will he punish electronics stores because parents buy their children certain video games? How many businesses will DeSantis target, how many families will he force to co-parent with the government in his quest to manufacture right wing hysteria that he can monetize and weaponize?” asked Brandon Wolf, a spokesman for the group.
This is manufactured outrage. These never-nude ghouls are pretending drag is some new phenomenon they’re exposing, when in fact it’s existed forever. Somebody from a rightwing publication went to the show, made a stink about it on Twitter, and now DeSantis is shaking his peener at the Hyatt, and shaking his peener at other venues around the state, just like he’s been shaking his peener at Mickey Mouse so graphically that we really think Mickey should call the cops.
Barring that, Disney and Hyatt and all other companies could just leave the state and take their tax revenue with them and leave DeSantis and his stable of white supremacist retirees to fall into the ocean by themselves whenever it decides to swallow them up.
Que sera.
[Insider]
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