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We know we have been giving you the Tucker report every morning this week, because he’s been even more bugfuck than usual, but he’s boring us now. Surprise, giant wanking motion dot gif, serial liar Tucker Carlson gave an impassioned and very bitchy defense of serial liar George Santos last night, suggesting to his stupid cow viewers that the main issue with Santos is that he lied about his volleyball career, and that’s it.
Yes, Mary Mary Quite Contrary’s position is that George Santos is good and the libs are just freaking out about some volleyball fibs. (If you need a running list of allllllll George Santos’s lies, NYMag is making one.)
So we guess they are pals now. Maybe next week Tucker can have George on to give him tips on how to do the perfect contoured drag cheekbone. Maybe George can teach Tucker how to walk in heels. Oh my God, that deranged Libs of TikTok woman would stroke out.
Oh wait, we forgot about how Tucker gets around gay guys. Maybe this play date is a bad idea.
Anyway, this morning let’s make fun of some other white conservative Christian loser. Does the name Jason Rapert ring y’all’s bells? He was a Republican Arkansas state senator, and he used to show up on Wonkette sometimes during The Duggar Times, and during the Arkansas Godly Christian Kid-Dumper Times. (OMG do you remember those times?)
He bugfuck. Let us review him! (And yes, we’re going to get to the point of the headline, Christ, just cool your jets.)
Here is Rapert in 2013 talking about the miiiiii-nority Muslims in the White House, and how Barack HUSSEIN Al-Qaeda Jiminy Cricket Nobummer did not even go to the Na-Shee-Nal Prayer Breakfiss that year! Can he get a WOOOOOO PIG SOOOOOEEEEY? (It’s an Arky thing, look it up.)
He was one of those God-humper nerds who was always trying to build Ten Commandments monuments everywhere.
One time he got mad at the liberals because they made fun of his idea to strategically nuke ISIS, as if there might have been some wee logistical problems with that.
And surprise, he gets super-weird about the gays the BLTs and the pronouns. (Told you we’d get to the point.)
He lost his shit back in 2015 because they just KEPT having the gay pride parade in Conway, Arkansas, on a Sunday, which in case you have not heard is the Lord’s personal day. Rapert was just pretty sure the LGBTs did that intentionally to hurt Jesus’s, and by extension, his own feelings.
He loses his shit about Drag Queen Story Hour on the reg.
He loses his shit about Billy Porter being on “Sesame Street.”
Arkansas Senator Jason Rapert Not Having Any A You My-Nor-I-Ties Tellin’ Him What To Do, Yeehaw
Arkansas State Senator: Liberals Love ISIS So Much They Don’t Even Want Nuclear War
Arkansas Senator Dude Tired Of Homos Parading About During Sunday Church Services
Rapert is not in the Arkansas state Senate anymore. Instead, he has some kind of dumb podcast internet radio TV show, like they all do. And in this episode we’re going to show you, he asks the important questions, like WILL AMERICA EVEN BE FREE AFTER THE DRAG QUEENS HAVE TAKEN OVER?
The entire monologue is so stupid, but also a good and creepy illustration of what these garbage Christian fascists really want to do to America.
Rapert says (white straight conservative) Christians must “take authority.” He says “God told us, said GO OUT ‘DERE and be fruitful, multiply! Fill the earth! Subdue it! And have dominion over everything! Fill the earth! Subdue it!” God’s exact words, we bet.
Especially the GO OUT ‘DERE part. Apparently God sounds like a toothless Arkansas meth farmer letting his dog out on a rainy day. GO OUT ‘DERE!
Rapert says the reason we have so much national debt and fight about it all the time is “because the Christians in America have failed to take authority!” So that’s one economic theory about why.
Rapert asks, “Do you think America is gonna be free with a buncha drag queens runnin’ this place? NO!”
Y’all, we did not even know that was an option, but now that he mentions it. They shouldn’t be dictators, though. Are they going to be dictators? Hey drag queens, no dictator shit, OK?
We know how y’all get.
Rapert asks, “Do you think America can remain free with a bunch of Antifa NUTZ runnin’ around and destroyin’ property? NO!” You know, because that’s a thing that’s real, as opposed to a hallucination that lives in the be-wetted underpants of white conservative dudes.
Rapert says if you’re “TIRED OF THAT STUFF, it’s time to make a change!”
Rapert says this nation was made for “YOU to be in charge.” (He doesn’t mean you, he means white fascist Christians.)
He blabbermouths some conspiracy theories about Joe Biden because he’s a dumbfuck yokel, and then the clip is over.
But anyway, we are curious about this new delusion that seems to be happening inside Jason Rapert’s brain about how America will no longer be free when the drag queens are in charge. Do other batshit conservative Christians believe it? Are there preppers who are stockpiling drag repellent and canned goods for the DRAG-POCALYPSE? Have they been believing this the whole time?
So much to investigate, WATCH THIS SPACE.
Follow Evan Hurst on Twitter right here!
And once that doesn’t exist, I’m also giving things a go at the Mastodon (@evanhurst@newsie.social) and at Post!
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