I’m Marjorie Taylor Greene And I Would Like To Apologize To The Jews For That Space Laser Thing

Hi, I’m Marjorie Taylor Greene, and I made a mistake. The space lasers are actually Episcopalian.

Oh boy do I have egg on my face. Partly because of this and partly because I’ve been eating my favorite, eggs over easy, with my hands. Forks are just so complicated, you know?

Like, have you ever looked at a fork? With those things, whatever they’re called? They look like combs. And have you ever heard of eating eggs with a comb? It’s silly. The yolk slides right off the comb thingies.

Teeth? Really? Sure, if you say so, Einstein. Sorry, I didn’t go to Yale.

Anyway, what was I talking about? Oh yeah, the space lasers. Episcopalian! Can you believe it? It’s true, though. I have been reliably told that it’s actually the Vanderbilts who control the space lasers. I always knew that Anderson Cooper was up to no good.

So I’d like to say to the Jews, “my bad.” Y’all are great Israelis who also love America — or at least one quarter or so of you are — and I appreciate you.

In my defense, I don’t know why someone didn’t stop me from believing this crazy but totally believable thing about Jewish space lasers. No! It was on the Internet and I was allowed to believe it! Why didn’t anyone stop me? Why didn’t someone sit me down and say, “Marjorie, you are as smart as you are ripped from all the CrossFit workouts, how can you be so gullible as to believe this thing on the Internet about the Jewish space lasers when it’s clearly one of the great Episcopalian families of America that are the culprits? Those families built the railroads and the cars and the chemical plants and Wall Street and the oil companies that God decreed should pull his magic oil juice out of the ground. Those are the people you gotta watch out for! The Jews, they mostly just eat bagels and kvetch about their grandchildren never visiting.”

To which I say, what does kvetch mean? Is it that Jewish army kung fu? Is it a good workout? If it’s a good workout, sign me up!

What’s a tine? Oh, on a fork? So forks have tines and combs have teeth? Whatever, Mr. Phd. Don’t sic your intellectual gazpacho on me.

Anyway, yeah, the Episcopalians have space lasers, and you can bet your ass I’m gonna investigate them when I’m on the House Oversight Committee. I told Kevin that straight up if he wanted my vote to be speaker of the House, and he said Marjorie, if you wanna subpoena Anderson Cooper to come to Congress to deny that his family has giant satellites in geosynchronous orbit above the state of California that can beam down lasers to start wildfires and discredit the energy companies so that the solar industry the Vanderbilts control can become the dominant energy producer in the West and charge the states boo coop money to buy electricity from Vanderbilt-branded solar farms, why, you go right on ahead. Just promise you’ll still vote for me for speaker, I would sacrifice my own children to Shub-Niggurath the Black Goat of the Woods with a Thousand Young for that job, so this is really no biggie.

In my defense, I don’t think “Jews are starting wildfires with giant lasers in space” is any wilder to believe than all this nonsense about gas stoves. I don’t know what the government is thinking, saying it’s going to ban gas stoves. Gas? God’s second-greatest miracle after oil? Or maybe third-greatest, after Crossfit. Lemme think. No, it’s definitely oil, gas, and then Crossfit. And I love me some Crossfit.

Listen, I love my gas stove. I love telling my maid to cook something on the gas stove. In my house, we just leave the gas stove on all the time. It’s practically family. And do you banish family members from your house just because they lower indoor air quality and maybe contribute to as much as twelve percent of all childhood asthma? Maybe they treat family like that in communist China and communist Cuba and communist New York, but not in America we don’t.

Besides, I’ll let you in on a little secret, one that I’ve been investigating and will be demanding hearings on. But did you notice that all the people screaming about gas stoves being bad are also offering electric and induction ranges as friendly replacements? And what do those ranges run on?

Electricity! Exactly. And who have we already established is trying to destroy the power companies by switching the nation’s entire grid over to solar? That’s right, the Vanderbilts! Who also, according to my Moms Who Crossfit Facebook group, happen to secretly have huge financial interests in the nation’s electric and induction stove factories!

So yes, I will be demanding that Anderson Cooper answer for his family’s propaganda efforts demonizing gas stoves so they will be replaced with his family’s induction ranges. I think, much like with the Trump haters who made up the entire Russia hoax, the American people deserve answers.

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